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I come before you to defend the Great One. So many petty and ignorant people have taken shots at this genius, jealous of his intelligence, his energy, his brilliance. Oh, how they should bend down before his maga-nificence, and acknowledge that the world has never seen a greater leader since the wondrous and impactful ones– Alexander the Great, Caesar, Napoleon, Hitler—you know, great men who did great things.
But you critics scoff. How many leaders can you name that that have made so many contributions on so many fronts—so many fronts! You doubt me? Although a full list would be far too long, let me name just a few–local, national, and international:
- The White House. Who needed that ugly rose garden? Gone before anyone could stop it. The Lincoln Pool has never been such a gorgeous shade of deep green. Arches. Monuments. Gold and glitz. How beautiful and how glorious.
- We all know that vaccines cause autism, botulism, and gangrene. Keep those kids safe. We are sheltering them from needles.
- Iran. What a great victory we’ve had. Those guys are shaking in their boots at our military might, even if we’re running a bit short of bombs. We’ll make new ones, and then we’ll re-open up the Strait of Hormuz, which, I guess, was open before we ever messed with them. Gas prices will most definitely come down soon from 9 bucks a gallon.
- Woke–ness—gone. We are re-writing history books and changing museum exhibitions. Black people have always loved it here, and have always been treated well. And look at how many military people we’ve replaced simply because they don’t have the right warrior mentality or levels of testosterone.
- ICE has completely taken care of our immigrant problem. We round em up daily, take em to detention centers, and ship them off to remote jails in Africa where those bastards rot. They never should have come here in the first place. What’s that you say about the protesting citizens who’ve been executed by those masked guardians of freedom? Easy-peasy. They are merely casualties of war.
- Higher education? Science? We’ve got it under control. Accuse them of anti-Semitism, cut off their money, threaten them with law suits and watch then crumble before us. Who knows better, those scientists or Mr. Donald J Trump?
- Free speech? All for it. All speech that supports us is free. In fact, others are completely free to speak, knowing that they should watch their backs because we’ll threaten them with jail time and billion dollar suits. Feel free to say it or print it, as long as you also feel free to suffer as a result if it’s not the truth as we see it.
- Presidential appointments? Every single one has been made with full consideration of the experience, expertise, and credentials of the candidate. Every single one of these people acts independently and possesses an unbiased point of view. We can feel sure of this because they have been vetted and approved by their former colleagues at Fox News.
- Foreign wars? Just as he promised. The great one found a happy ending to Israel vs Gaza as well as Russia vs Ukraine within weeks of taking office.
Reproductive rights? Tariffs? Cost of living? Living conditions for sailors? Foreign aid? The environment? Revenge against enemies? Voting rights? The list does go on and on and on—just like the President when he goes into one of his endless train of thought responses. You call it ranting. We recognize it as associative brilliance.
To those of you who are jealous of the greatest intellect to ever occupy the White House, please cool it on your petty criticism. It’s as simple as can be: We love and revere you, Donald J.
Passionately yours,
Natalie Harp
