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Like the result of carelessly tossing a match over a pile of fireworks, like a dormant volcano deciding it was time to release its lava on all below, Donald Trump erupted today, wildly spewing nonsense in all directions. On Truth Social, he announced to the world:
- Beginning today, the US will blockade and rename Niagara Falls. Informing the world that Canada’s only source of drinking water comes from the Falls, The President announced that he would dehydrate those north of the border. “We’re not going to allow those greedy Canadians to satisfy their thirst free of charge and at US expense. It’s your turn to dry up, you nasty Canucks, and stay clear of Trump Falls,” he declared.
- Doubling down on punishing those awful and greedy Canadians, playing–or even referring to–the game of hockey was being banned in the lower 48. Any American speaking the name Wayne Gretzky would be subject to 6 months in jail. In another anti-Canadian move, Celine Dion was arrested by ICE mid-act in Las Vegas, and is being held for deportation to some distant, God-awful place where she can entertain the locals all she likes.
- Beginning with the midterm elections, the US will require that all voters sign their ballots and list their addresses on them. Told that voting was meant to be anonymous, the Pres declared, “You gotta be kidding—it’s for their own good. How else could I personally send every citizen $5,000. It’s to the benefit of all that Stephen Miller and I know exactly how each person voted.”
- Reacting to claims that America’s stockpile of weapons is low, the President denied that he had asked Volodymyr Zelenskyy to sell him drones and bombs. “Those poor bastards barely have any more missiles than we do,” he said. “And if we really need stuff like that, my great friend Xi Jinping said the Chinese would give us a good rate on their surplus. Besides, I’ve put out a no-bid contract on armaments, and I’m told that my best buddies in the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers have plenty of extra artillery they can spare.”
- Although it hurt him that the new ultra-fancy Qatari-built Presidential jet was not sufficiently safe to use in getting him to and from golf tournaments, the President has found a new use for the aircraft. “We are selling tickets, $20,00 a pop, for one-way flights to the highest bidders, and the proceeds are going to the building of the Trump Library, which will begin construction at the former site of the Capitol Building as soon as we can get it demolished.”
- Accepting Pete Hegseth’s resignation, the President offered his gratitude for this great warrior’s service, and announced that Mr. Hegseth would be named the Chief Academic Officer at West Point. “Old Pete will get us the kind of leadership our great Army deserves. No chicks, no minorities, no subjects like history, art, or literature. Just all testosterone all the time.”
Thinking about himself, as he is wont to do on occasion, Donald at 80 said, “It was clear that Joe Biden had lost it completely by the time he reached my age, but look at me, there’s no comparison. I can rule the world, I have beautiful women dying to be by my side, and I am the best in the world at starting wars. As for when we will we end them, I can proudly announce with 100% certainty that those weak and terrified Iranians tremble when they hear my name, and that our little conflict, never really a war, will be over soon, you know, like right after the midterms, or definitely some time in the near or distant future.
“Oh, and for all you doubters, I can assure everyone that my brain remains in absolutely magnificent shape. I can still count backward by 7’s–with hardly any assistance.”
