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BREAKING NEWS
The impeachment trial of President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr officially ended today. In a result that came as no surprise, the vote was split down party lines, with 50 Senators voting innocent and 50 guilty. Vice President Kamala Harris was not needed to break the tie since impeachment requires a two-thirds vote. As a result, President Joe Biden was acquitted of inciting large-scale violence, as charged by outraged Republic lawmakers.
When asked for comment, Nancy Pelosi was quoted as saying, “Gee, it’s not my fault that a large crowd of young people threw rocks at Lindsey Graham’s house. I hear it was a nice house with lots of antiques, a number, shall we say “on loan” from the Capitol Building. But they just broke a batch of windows. Apparently nobody thought that the house was worth invading.”
Of all those who called for the President’s removal, Marco Rubio made the most impassioned speech in the Senate. He called for the immediate removal of the President, breaking down and crying in the course of his oratory. “They keyed my car,” he wailed, “I just bought that baby last month and had it waxed and detailed. And it was all Joe Biden’s fault. And Antifa. And Communist radicals. If trashing my car isn’t not a high crime and an impeachable offense, then what is.”
In defense of the President, Chuck Schumer stood before his esteemed colleagues and announced, “I have no idea why those thousands of young people descended upon Florida. It was a little early for spring break. And it’s such a shame, they tell me that Mar A Lago used to be really nice place. Ah, but now it’s a just a heap of ashes. I’m happy to announce that Donald Trump was at least able to save some of his most prized possessions, including several bottles of spray tan, as he rushed away from the flames.”
After the trial, Joe Biden stood before the cameras and addressed the nation. The President said, “Like my esteemed predecessor, I had absolutely no role in inciting any form of violence. In fact, I chose my words very carefully, making sure to quote the 45th President exactly when I spoke to my vigorous supporters. Although I denounce violence, I also know that there were many great citizens, many patriots, at the sites of these terrible acts. I am a man of peace, a man who holds no grudges.”
After leaving the platform, the President, not aware that his microphone was still on, was heard chuckling and asking, “Mar A Lago? Burnt to a crisp? What do you know.”
“Yup,” his assistant responded. “Apparently the fire department rushed there as soon as they could, but the locals blocked the trucks.”
Fahrenheit 45!