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Always one to push the limits of his power, Donald Trump has just announced the arrest and imprisonment of Belgian soccer superstar Lukaku. Found among his luggage, claimed Kash Patel of the FBI, were large and sharp cutters, which he is accused of using to slash several sections of the DC reflecting pool.
In a hurriedly called press conference, Mr Trump announced, “Although we applaud FIFA’s reinstatement of our homegrown American star, when we reported the illegal activities of this man Lukaku to them, several cowards in the FIFA leadership refused to declare him out of his next match. So we felt it necessary to bring him to justice immediately.”
“Sir,” asked an international reporter, “wasn’t Lukaku too busy getting ready for his match to vandalize the pool?”
“Not at all,” responded the President. “After all, I’m told by my chief advisors that his team was housed in Washington, so it was very very easy for him to sneak over there at night.”
“But sir, his team was in the state of Washington, not DC.”
“Ah well, if he traveled such a great distance to slash the pool, that makes him all the more guilty.”
““But, sir, without their star, won’t Belgium be put at a huge disadvantage against their next opponent? And don’t you find the timing of his arrest unusual, given who his team is playing next?”
“That’s a very nasty question from a stupid visitor, one that might very well get that visitor put on the next plane out. I am the most honest and fair man on this planet. And, by the way, I haven’t been following it that closely. Who do they play next?”
