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As soon as the game was over, New England Patriots fans began to celebrate their 45-0 win over the Los Angles Chargers, but wait, the outcome of the game has been challenged by Dean Spanos, owner of the Chargers and long-term supporter of Republican causes.
Spanos has begun court proceedings, claiming that the final score was the result of a system that was phony and totally rigged, and that the Chargers had won, in fact by a lot. Lawyers for the Chargers team immediately went to court with challenges, filing local, state, and federal suits that they promised would reverse what they described as the “razor-thin” 45-0 outcome.
Representing the Chargers because Rudy Giuliani was in the hospital with COVID-19, lawyer Sydney Powell said that she had multiple grounds to negate the finding of the game:
- Perhaps nobody noticed, but the score board actually started with the Patriots leading 14-0. Take those away and the score was sort of closer.
- The coin toss before the game was unfair. Yes, the Chargers won the toss, but they were unduly influenced to take the ball in the second half by the Patriots who went on to score the first touchdown, resulting in a 21-0 sore (see point #1).
- The Chargers were given a too-many-men on the field penalty. We demand a recount. The extra players were actually Patriots who dressed up as Chargers. On that play, our always-accurate observers noted 38 players on the field in Chargers uniforms, 12 of whom swarmed out of the stands, one of whom was actually Bill Belichick in disguise.
- The Chargers had a field goal blocked and run back for a touchdown. Billy Joe Webster, who has been a Charger season ticket holder for 72 years and has 20-20 vision, can attest that it was not a Patriots player who blocked the kick, but a brick that was thrown from the Patriots bench. Your honor, this witness’s testimony is unimpeachable, as not a single shred of evidence has turned up to suggest that his report of alien invaders at the Hollywood Bowl is anything but accurate.
- When the Patriots had the ball, all they needed was to go 10 yards for a first down, but the field was turned metric when the Chargers had the ball. This proves outside interference, likely from Venezuela, likely from dead people, likely the result of Kim Jung Un, who has always been a Patriots fan.
In a separate case filed in County Court, Jay Skulow argued simply and elegantly, “Our allegations are based in fact and solid reasoning. It’s all very simple. Everyone knows that the Patriots always cheat, and everyone knows that the Patriots always win. Therefore, it is only logical that the only reason they won his game is that they cheated. This is extremely solid and undeniable evidence, and this evidence alone should invalidate the result of the game. Open and shut case.”
Chief Judge Alton Fescew was not able to rule on the case, as he had to be taken to Cedars Sinai Medical Center when he laughed so hard that he broke a rib. In his place, Judge Jose Velazquez, authored a brief ruling: “Pathetic. Ridiculous. Outrageous. Trump-ian. Just how stupid do you think we are? Next case.”
The Chargers said that they are appealing. But actually they are not very appealing at all.
