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Everyone thought that he would never survive the Planet Hollywood “grab-em-by-the..” tape way back when it came out in 2016. They thought that people would have figured out that the man who suggested that drinking bleach might be the way to beat COVID was not smart enough to be your plumber, no less your president. Others insisted that a man who actually insisted in a national debate that Haitian immigrants were eating dogs and cats in Ohio was such a ridiculous liar that he could not be trusted. But no, people stood by the leader of the cult. Until…
After his standard hour long rally-rant, a reporter yells, “Mr Trump, Mr Trump, what do you have to say about Melania coming out in favor of abortion rights?” Trump quickly glances in the direction of the reporter and says, ”You guys know, that’s what I like about Melania. She’s a great gal and not afraid to speak her mind,” moving swiftly off the stage before being engulfed by a horde of protectors and surrogates.
Spotting Stephen Miller, one of his closest allies and advisors, Trump, not realizing the he’s still miked up, says for all the world to hear, “Get me the hell outta here before I start telling everyone what I really think about that bitch. Years ago when she still let me near her, she was pretty good in bed, but that’s all she’s ever been good for. If that sad excuse for a woman says one more word about abortion, she’s gone. I told her to get to that abortion doctor years ago when she was pregnant with that doofus Barron, and now I’m stuck with both of those losers.”
And then all hell broke loose.
Finding her voice after all these months of quietude, Melania was seen—and heard–on CNN, NBS, CBS, and ABC within a 48 hour period. Fox said, “No thank you.”
“He tell me to have abortion many times. He tell other ladies he knock up to have abortion. I not let him near me for many year. In bed all he do is to snore and pass gas. And Michael Cohen tell me that he forgot to sign the pre-nup when the lawyers wrote it, so I say good-bye, Donald. And by the way, you don’t have to worry about Barron no more. He not yours anyway.”
From Mike Pence: “May God forgive me. I know I sold my soul when I agreed to be his VP. If I were Catholic I would have been in confession twice a day. The only thing worse than knowing that I’ll rot in hell is knowing that Donald will be there with me.”
From JD Vance: “He doesn’t really like my wife or my kids. But when he tried to come on to her and she kicked him in the groin, he just kept muttering that she and her awful brown kids should all go back and live in the New Delhi with the other vermin. I may be a man of few principles, but I’m stepping aside. And, by the way, I was right years ago when I said that Hitler thing.”
From Ivanka: “No, it wasn’t every night, but, yes, late at night he did slip into my bedroom fairly often when I was a child. Eric too, I’m pretty sure.”
From Donald: “The adoring crowds. They love me. They come to my rallies in the millions. Perfect. I’m perfect. Wait, wait, come back…please.”
