Will The Real George Santos Please Stand Up

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My name is George Santos, er, Santana, er, Saltamacchia, er, not really George, but Jorge.

Well, I’m actually Bruce Schwartz.

Elected as congressman, er, mayor, er, dog catcher from the borough of Queens, er, Brooklyn, er, Santa Monica.

I am a proud African-Italian-Irish-Chinese American. Born in New Jersey, er, New Mexico, er, Mexico, er, Mars.

I am homosexual, er, homophobic, er, transsexual. I’m really Georgia Jones.

I am dope, er, a dope, er, smoke dope.

I’m Jewish on my great-grand-aunt’s side, Greek Orthodox on my father’s mother’s side. Converted to Hindu when I studied with Gandhi in India, er, Indiana.

I have six fingers on my right hand, 7 toes on my left foot, 3 of which are big toes.

We’re a military family. In the 70’s my grandfather served in Saigon, er, Taiwan, er, Bayonne. I was in the Marines, er, Merchant Marines, er, Navy. Stationed on a submarine, er, aircraft carrier, er, tugboat. I was honorably discharged, er, court martialed, er, deserted.

I have a Masters, er, MD, er, high school equivalency diploma from Harvard, er, Tallahassee State, er, PS 64.

I played first, er, third, er, shortstop on the Yale, er, Cal Tech, er, South Dakota School of Mines baseball, er, soccer, er, hockey team.

I am single, er, married, er, divorced 6 times.

Homeless, er, rich.

Made my money investing in diamonds, er, cryptocurrency, er, found some on the street.

I worked for Goldman Sachs, er, JP Morgan, er, Burger King (love those Whoppers—I eat em and tell em all the time).