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“You know, being President was so much easier than being a candidate again. When I was President, I’d get up at 10, watch a little Fox News to make me feel good, turn to CNN to get my blood boiling, and then tweet about fake news and witch hunts till noon. I’d order a Big Mac with an extra-sized Coke and fries, and those guys would have it ready for me in seconds. I’d take a nice little nap, make a few phone calls, and go to a meeting or two. I never had to look over anything over in advance They’d just explain it to me or say that they’d take care of it.
“I’d smile for the cameras now and then, maybe plan a trip to go see old pal Vladi or to tell those dumb NATO guys to pay their fair share, and if I got tired I’d just watch a game show or two. The only guy with an easier job than me was Drew Carey. Hey, maybe I’ll host the Price is Right when I’m done with politics.
“The only problem with being President was that it was so hard to sneak lady friends past security, and of course I wasn’t getting any from Melania—but that’s an old story. Ah, who cares. I can’t really get it up these days anyway.
“Now most everything I do is a pain in the butt. They send me to fairs in Iowa. Iowa, you gotta be kidding me. Those dumb farmers love me, but chomping on corn is always a problem with my dentures, and I don’t think I’ll ever kiss another baby again. Ever. At least if I look bored and annoyed I still look 100 times better than that loser DeSantis.
“And you know I never liked court rooms, but now it’s just one indictment after another. New York, Atlanta, DC almost every day. I bet I’ll set a record for the most trials of an innocent man. And, God knows, those bastards in Georgia are going to try to embarrass me by making me take a mug shot. Maybe I’ll smile wide and give them the finger for that photo.
“Hey, I’m the President—still am, you know—so I can do anything I want. Those bastards can’t take away my right to tweet. This is America, the land of free speech. The First Amendment says I can attack the integrity of all those biased judges and I can threaten every witness who’d even dare say anything bad about me. Come on, if you can’t casually tell some dumbass in Georgia that he miscounted by 11,000 votes, then what kind of country are we living in?
“Lawyers’ bills. Jail time. I’m not very fond of either of those, especially jail time. But that’s the reason I plug along on this campaign. It’s not just that I’m in it to win it, but I’m in it for payback. Every loser that’s attacked me. Every loser that’s turned on me, they’re done for. I’ll be President again and the reign of terror will begin. My troubles now will be like nothing compared to theirs.
“I go to sleep every night, dream of revenge, and wake up with a smile on my face. Praise me. Praise the True Leader.”
