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“But Mr. President, if we couldn’t convict Comey of lying to Congress, do you really think this one will work?”
“Of course, you idiot, we’ve got him dead to rights. It’s a capital offense to write 86 47 in seashells. It was a clear and present danger, a direct threat on my life. Everyone knows that crazed leftist murderers are out there combing the beaches for all sorts of subtle seashell messages from people who want to off me. He’s going down this time, for sure.”
“And sir, I want you to know that we’ve got a great backup plan if this one doesn’t work. Comey’s got an unpaid parking ticket from 1983. According to Jeanine Pirro, who we all know is one of the great legal minds of this century, if you count in the interest accrued on that ticket, that now comes to a fine of $3,836,458, and I’m sure we can tack on a parking ticket felony charge that will put him behind bars for anywhere from 6 months to 12 years. Overtime parking presents a true threat to national security, and if he thought that we at the FBI were going to look the other way, he’s got another thing coming.”
“Good, good. So we’ve got that one in the bag. What about Adam Schiff, John Bolton, Mark Kelly, Jack Smith, Liz Cheney, and, oops, almost forgot–Hillary? Oh, and let’s not forget to screw Tucker Carlson and Jerome Powell. Those two will live to regret the day they ever said a word against me.”
“Well, Mr. President, we’re working had on it. We think that Kelly was late filing his taxes last year, so we can put him away for quite a while on that one. We’ve been observing Schiff, and we have several eyewitnesses whom we can pay to say that he not only jaywalked, but that he cut across the lawn on a street where a sign explicitly said “Do not go on the grass.” We’ve been following Bolton, and last week he was seen walking his dog and it wasn’t on a leash, so he’s a goner too. Add Carlson to the list of those with major offenses too. Can you believe that that bastard was seen littering several times this month, so I’m sure we can put him away for quite a while on that one.”
“But Jerome Powell, we couldn’t nail him on his cost overruns, but isn’t there something that we can do to make him sorry forever that he didn’t bow down before me and raise interest rates? I’ve heard he’s a rotten driver. Has he been caught speeding? Driving with an expired license? Any hit-and-runs? Oh, and good old Kash Patel reminds me, maybe Powell has a record of DUI. I can see that bastard taking a few drinks and getting into an accident.”
“None of those, sir, but we’ve been following him, and I think you’ll be happy. Last week Powell was at the driver’s wheel and we have undisputable tape recorded evidence of him not coming to a full stop. And here’s the topper that will put him away for a long time—he did it twice.”
