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Dear Vladi,
Hoping your summer has been a good one. It’s a shame that this darned COVID hoax has kept us from our wonderful one-on-one sit-down conversations. I am writing to congratulate you on your new vacine. I thought our fake news media would pick that one up and run with it, but they got too distracted with Sleepy Joe Biden’s pick of a vice-president. So I had two questions: First, my so-caled experts tell me that before I can have a safe vacine I need what they call a fase 3 trial. I don’t understand what that is, but my hotshots tell me that you never had one? What gives?? Also, do you even have a vice-president? Who the hell needs one of those– although Mike Pence has a perfect robot. He does whatever I tell him, probably because I’ve got the same kind of pictures of him as you have of me.
Your friend,
Donald
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Dear Donald,
So good to hear from you. I too miss our one-on-one down-sits. Each time we meet I learn so much about how a person can be manipulated. So first, for your easy question. Vice-president? Legislature? Who cares. We have such a wonderful efficient and streamlined system here in Moscow: I say, they do. I know you are trying to learn from our fine example, and I see that you are doing progress on that. I’m sure you’ll have it good in the next four year. But as for Phase 3 trial, the same principle applies. I say Phase 2 is enough, and anyone who not like this gets an all-expense trip to Siberia. All the people who are still around think Phase 2 is enough. Anyway, it’s a good vaccine—I even have my daughter, the one I don’t like so much, try it out. She is recovering nicely and should be back on the streets in less than six months. So good to hear from you. We should get together next year. After we assure your re-election, it would be fun to make a public burning of masks.
Your dearest comrade,
Vlad
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Dear Vlad,
Just a quick question. I’ve got this Fauci guy who keeps on bugging me about keeping social distance, wearing masks, and all that stupid stuf. He loves to go on TV and talks about sciense and evidence, and his nonsense drives me crazy. Don’t you have guys like that? How do you handle them?
Don
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Donald, Donald,
I love you like a brother, but you are still naïve as to best governing. We have Siberia here. Don’t you have Alaska or Tuscaloosa or some terrible place like that to send bad people? Another hot tip for you: Sometimes disappearance of famous person gets peoples asking questions, so you may have to keep your little doctor around. This Fauci must have a family or loved ones. Maybe you could remind him of their health and comfort, and lets him remember how he wants to keep them safe. That works well here. And, by the way, don’t you have photos of him too?
Vlad
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Dearest Vlad,
I feel like a pupil learning at the hands of the master. Give me another term in office, maybe two or three more, and we will get it right.
In the meantime dasvidaniya,
Your pal Don
