0
0
Thanks to the wonders of time travel, I have been just returned from the future, Wednesday, November 4, 2020, one day after the US Presidential election. And as they say on CNN, I have breaking news to report.
Spoiler alert: For those of you who like suspense, please avert your eyes or simply stop reading.
But for those of you who are still with me, here are the facts:
In spite of the ongoing COVID pandemic, voter turnout was up 12% in 2020 compared to the 2016 election. In 2016 exactly 128,568,342 votes were cast, whereas the number of ballots cast in 2020 was 143,996,543.
And the final results were… drum roll please…
Biden: 143,996, 540
Trump: 3
Seeking public opinion on the election result, I spoke with John Heffernan, a third generation Pennsylvania coal miner, who had led the “Miners for MAGA” movement in 2016. Saying that he spoke for all the guys underground, Heffernan told me, “I may not have made it through tenth grade, I may be near-illiterate, but, hey, I ain’t stupid. I took a chance on that guy four years ago, but I can’t imagine another four years with that joker. I’ve had enough.”
In DC, Donald Trump refused to make a concession speech. Appearing on Fox News, he told Shawn Hannity, “This isn’t over. I’m contesting this election. I demand a recount.” Pressed further to explain the results, Trump was heard spewing a long list of the usual suspects, “Fake news,” he yelled. “Voter fraud. Left-wing propaganda. Illegal immigrants. Chinese influence,” he proclaimed, adding, “I was robbed and I’m not leaving.”
Hannity was heard to mutter under his breath, “Go to hell, sucker. I’ve had enough too.”
To complete the details of the voting results, I had hoped to stick around long enough to determine the source of the three Trump votes, and can only offer my tentative findings: Apparently Donald got confused while in the voting booth and accidentally voted for Biden. He said that the left-leaning ballot printers had purposely used a small and deceptive font that made the two names, Biden and Trump, seem identical to him.
Apparently Donald Jr and Eric stayed true to their father and cast two-thirds of the Trump popular vote. However, the third affirmative Trump vote could not be definitively identified. Susan Collins said she had been undecided even as she entered the voting booth and refused to say whether at the last moment she had resumed her habit of swaying Trump-ward.
When asked about her ballot, Melania cast a shy smile, said the vote was a private matter, especially for a poor immigrant such as herself, and hurried off to file divorce papers.
