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DC tour guide to his group of eager tourists: For years we guides simply have been pointing out the same things over and over again, but finally we can begin telling you about the new and brilliant innovations that are changing the face of Washington and our glorious nation. We will be making many stops today in our beautifully made-over DC. We begin our tour here at the Trump-Washington Memorial, taller than it has ever been now that a 60 foot golden statue of our great President Trump has been placed at its top.
Later we will stop at the Charlie Kirk Memorial, which is at the site that you might recall the Lincoln Memorial once was. This brilliant renovation has been made now that the newly appointed Trump Historical Revision Commission has determined that Lincoln spent far too much time focused on biased policies that placed decent White Americans at a terrible disadvantage. This is now the home of a true defender of the oppressed white majority, and should be considered sacred ground in memory of a fallen American hero.
In a few minutes, folks, we will be passing the Pentagon, the home of the Department of Defense—er, excuse me, the Department of War. You know, it’s hard to keep up with all the cabinet-level name changes, but yes, you will get a chance later in today’s tour, to see the buildings that house the former Dept of Health & Human Services, renamed the Dept of Hype and Human Suffering, the Dept of Education, now the Dept of Indoctrination, and the Dept of Justice, now the Dept of Injustice. Then, of course, we will, end our glorious journey at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave with a tour of the beautiful and historic Gold House.
But before we go any further, ladies and gentlemen, please remove your hats, place your hand over your heart, and let us all recite the new Pledge of Allegiance. Repeat after me:
I pledge allegiance to the brag-
gard who thinks he is King of America
And to the repugnance for which he stands
One nation, under the National Guard,
With liberty and justice for some.
