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It’s as clear as day to the American public and the Western World that without any provocation Vladimir Putin ordered the brutal invasion of Ukraine by Russia. In retrospect, it seems clear that Putin intended to annex Ukraine and believed that his military action would be swift and decisive—much like Hitler’s move into the Sudetenland. More than three years and thousands of lives later, the fighting goes on, in large part due to the resilience and bravery of the Ukrainian people and the military and economic support of the west, most notably from the US.
And then there was Donald Trump. His take on the war in Ukraine, filtered perhaps just a tiny bit by his conversations with his buddy Vladimir Putin, is a bit different. Rather than attributing the war to Russia or even playing it safe by asking both sides to take blame for the conflict, Trump was blunt. “You should never have started it,” the leader of the free world said to Zelenskyy, adding, “You should have made a deal.”
A deal? Was there a deal to be made? Who proposed a deal? What was the deal about?
When pressed on the content of the proposed deal, Trump was fuzzy on the details, saying. “Oh yeah, Putin told me it was very very generous, and I believe everything that he’s told me. That dummy Zelenskyy could have lived a very comfortable life, but now he’s gonna be out on his duff. Vladi and I agree that America will not spend another cent on Ukraine’s defense, but even now he will offer very very generous terms to end the war. The people of Ukraine will hail him—and me–as their saviors, especially now that they are out from under that Nazi dictator Zelenskyy. And if that’s what Vladi says, then it’s the truth.”
Having gained access to secret Russian files, Kruscontrol has learned about “the deal.” Before the invasion, Zelenskyy was asked politely to sign a piece of paper that did nothing less than create a “glorious reunion” between Russia and Ukraine. And in return for sacrificing his country to the Russians he was offered a first class plane ticket to a beautiful villa somewhere in the South Pacific. How generous! Any coward or traitor would have scooped it up and taken off for a comfy life on the beach.
But Putin’s offer today, while still benevolent according to the Russian leader, was not quite as good. Once again, the highly successful intelligence agents of Kruscontrol are now able to reveal the four key details of the Putin-Trump very very generous terms:
1–Vladimir Zelenskyy will be allowed to remain alive. Perhaps on a remote island, perhaps somewhere in the vicinity of Siberia. But he will not be hanged and he will have a luxurious 1 bedroom apartment that occupies at least 400 square feet. Toilet privileges will depend on the good behavior of the former dictator of Ukraine.
2—Russia vows that it will never again seek other “glorious reunions” with its less-powerful nearby neighbors—well, at least not for a little while.
3—Occupying Russian soldiers will respect the human rights of all Ukrainian citizens. In particular, Russia pledges that its soldiers will be instructed that it is forbidden to rape women over 75 or under 11.
4. Ukraine will not be allowed to join NATO, ever. However, as a concession to the well-being of its people, Ukraine will be allowed to join Costco.
Letting Donald Trump win the war for him without firing a single additional bomb or bullet, Vladimir Putin has remained relatively quiet in terms of public statements. However, the ever-vigilant secret agents of Kruscontrol have gained access to the content of the otherwise secret communications between Putin and his closest political allies.
From Putin: “All my life I tell lies, and all my life nobody believe me. My friends no believe me. My generals no believe me. And my wife, she never believe me. But this schmuck Trump take everything I say like it come from mouth of Jesus. Amazing! Russian colleagues who know New York tell me he like to buy up all kind of property there. So they tell me I should try to sell him something they call Brooklyn Bridge. That Trump, he be a good man. Just not very smart.”
