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It’s getting harder and harder to be a Christian fundamentalist, white supremacist these days. The price of American flags is going up. White pointed hoods are hard to find, even on Amazon. And the cost of ammunition is through the roof. People keep on calling us Nazis. It’s actually sort of a compliment among my friends, but some of our kids’ school teachers give our future leaders a hard time when they hand out pamphlets for our get-togethers. And I’ll be damned, but it’s even gotten dangerous to go to Trump rallies with all those radical left-wing shooters on every rooftop out there.
But it’s not all bad news. I’m happy to say there’s a great many people out there to hate and batter. Politicians who support abortion and the millions of criminals and rapists streaming over the border are easy targets for our venom. Our prayers for prayer have been answered, thank God, ‘cause there’s all sorts of laws on the books now about reading the Bible every day in the classroom. We’ve been able to ban all sorts of nasty reading materials from school libraries, and we’re making progress on revising textbooks to get history right. We’ve got groups in every state tightening rules to keep the poor and all those awful minorities far from the ballot box. And isn’t it great to know that we’ve got a Supreme Court that will back us up no matter what. And, by the way, it’s pretty clear that nobody’s taking our guns away. Jesus, nothing’s better than having a well-armed, secretly-trained militia–you know, just in case.
And we’ve had some memorable moments. The march in Charlottesville was a proud time for all those good people on our side. And of course, the high point of our recent history was January sixth. It’s a shame we couldn’t find that coward Mike Pence, but overall it was a truly great day for our nation.
Bringing the greatest joy to your hearts, there’s this ex-president out there who really gets us. He’s kind of bright orange like he’s been under the sun lamp all day, and he’s rolling in millions. But even though I realize he’s never done a day of work in his life and that he’s kind of a crook and a liar, deep in my heart I believe that he really gets us.
Donald J Trump is the savior, the invincible one, and he’s determined to Make America Great Again. And great it will be. He’s going to make sure that we re-establish the traditional order and become a nation in which white privilege and male supremacy reign supreme. We’ll be a nation of patriots who own AK-47’s and aren’t afraid to use them. And we’ll be a proud and pure nation where anyone who identifies as L or G or B or T—and especially anyone who is Q–has every reason to be afraid. On some days, I look at my beer glass and realize that it’s half-full, not half-empty, and tell myself that we really can Make America Great Again. It brings tears to my eyes that we’re on the track to becoming what God meant us to be, a place that George Wallace would be proud to call home.
But back on the dark side, there are things out there that threaten the fundamentals of our beliefs, things to fear and guard against. Some of our leaders try to fool us by using words like progress and change, but I call them dangers and threats. These are things that shake the rock-solid foundation that this country was built upon, like that awful word “diversity.” Diversity, ha! All I see are foreigners and non-Christians, people who look different and can’t be trusted. People who you wouldn’t want to have living in your neighborhood and don’t want in your schools. And if one of them wants to date my daughter…
And now they are trying to take over our government. It wasn’t bad enough the we had a Democrat President who was a Catholic, but when that old senile lefty finally gave way, he cleared the path for a woman, and not just any woman, but a black-looking lady whose parents, I heard, were born in Jamaica and India. Foreigners. Just like Obama, I don’t even think she’s a citizen. And if that weren’t bad enough, I hear she’s married to a Jew.
I try to keep hope alive, but it’s very hard. Even my hero Donald is married to a foreigner. She’s one hell of a looker, but I think she’s from Slovenia or Slovakia or somewhere out near Russia. No wonder Don gets along so well with Putin. Then my man Trump did the right thing and picked a white male for his Vice President. Mr. Trump knows how to blow smoke all day about respecting women and liking minorities, but when push came to shove, he did the right thing, the American thing, and picked a white male, JD Vance. JD’s one of us, a hillbilly, someone who can be trusted 100%.
What’s that you say? JD wife’s is named Usha. She’s from India. She’s a practicing Hindu. And up till 10 years ago, she was a registered Democrat. And, what’s that? They’ve got three kids. And their names are Mirabel, Ewan, and Vivek.
Lord Almighty, how I wish that things were simple, like in the good old days. But I have hope for a great future, and I say it over and over: In Trump We Trust.
Satire’s effects require the reader to recognize that what is being said is not meant literally but, indeed, satirically. May we wish for astute readers!