A Bird-Brained Conspiracy Theory

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Bird strikes on commercial airliners have dramatically increased in recent weeks, and nobody seems concerned.

But not me.

I have learned that radicalized cells of ravens have led a flock of anti-democratic hawks training in South Texas, working with extremist pigeons to learn how to target plane engines and bring them down.

You say ridiculous. I say terrorism.

How do I know this? What evidence do I have that formerly friendly avian forces have flown the coop and taken wing in an effort to bring US trained pilots and their passengers spiraling down to earth?

Very simple. Marjorie Taylor Greene herself has informed me that secret nests of radicalized birds have flocked to Florida as well as Georgia. How else could one possibly explain the disturbing increase in orders of worms and bugs from Amazon, all delivered to a local pet shop that had been under surveillance by feather-sniffing dogs.

Never one to stay away from controversy, Donald Trump has endorsed the bird conspiracy. Parroting the words of Congresswoman Greene, the former President said, “I believe this very very much. You’ll see, when it’s proven to be true all those vultures who wish me dead will have to eat crow,” he tweeted.

Most disturbing in all this is the radicalization of a flock of usually peace-loving doves who have joined a flock of canaries determined to show their bravery after being labeled yellow for so many years.

When asked to comment on this rumor, President Biden stated, “ This is all chicken s__t, a conspiracy theory that is the product of warped minds. It shows how ridiculous fowl thoughts can come back to roost, and that people can be egged on to believe anything. There’s not a seed of hard evidence here, and we can’t just let our imaginations take flight concerning any of these bird-brained stories.”

Just to be certain that no harm comes from our formerly-friendly winged compatriots, the President has just proposed legislation to limit such viral air-born theories. When asked whether he would even consider further suggestions that ravens had actually become our enemies, Mr. Biden responded curtly.

Quoth the President, Nevermore.