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“I must have won. I must have won. I’m a winner. How could a loser like Joe Biden come out ahead of me. Impossible. There was a record turnout. I can’t accept that so many people liked him better.”
But Mr. President, you’re right, as usual. They didn’t turn out because of him. It was you who drove people to the polls. Over 73 million of your adoring fans told the world you’re a winner, and the only reason you didn’t come out ahead is that those damned Democrats manufactured so many votes. This election was all about you, and you won.”
“It was all about me, wasn’t it. Just like always. All about me.”
”But Mr. President, we’re starting to face real pressure to do something about letting that loser Biden get access to national security data and personnel. I don’t know how much longer we can hold back because some of your closest Republican allies are starting to revolt.”
“But I can’t concede because I won.”
“Well, the guys and I have come up with some ideas for a different kind of speech, a Trump-version of a concession speech. We’ve written it up in just a few pages. Won’t you read it over.”
Too much trouble to read that much. Tell me. I’ll try to listen.”
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“Tonight,” announces Wolf Blitzer, “Donald Trump has scheduled a national address to discuss the results of the election. This is what the world has anxiously awaited, his long-anticipated concession speech. And there he is approaching the podium. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.”
“To the American people, I come here in the full knowledge that I won this election. If you count only those votes legally cast, we won by a very large margin, and those left-wing judges won’t listen to reason about the massive voter fraud we know has taken place.
“But I am a reasonable man, and I recognize that not all people agree. So today I come before you to announce that I am taking a four-year leave of absence from my job at the White House. I will be letting Sleepy Joe Biden serve as caretaker of this mess he calls government for a while, probably for four years, although who knows, maybe I’ll come back sooner.
“During that period I will spend my time making the United States great again as a private citizen and building the most beautiful office buildings and resorts the world has ever seen. In fact, just today I have signed contracts for a beautiful new office complex, the Trump-Putin Tower in Moscow, and a really really terrific golf course right outside of Beijing.
“I leave you to the sorry reign of Joe Biden, Anthony Fauci, and Pocahontas. See if you can take it as that left-wing crowd raises your taxes, socializes your health care, and forces people to wear masks even in the shower.
“As Douglas MacArthur, one of our greatest American generals, once said, I will return.”
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And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, Donald Trump’s re-definition of the concession speech.
many happy unreturns of the day!