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Dear Mr. & Mrs. Trump,
Here at Mrs. Cuthbert’s Elite School for Very Rich White Children, we endeavor every day to enlighten our dear little ones, trying to enrich their minds and their vocabularies. We take children who are the very very best and expand their horizons in the very very best ways.
I write with a report on the progress of Young Donald’s progress in sixth grade, proud to state that we believe he has definite leadership qualities. This week we have been attempting to expand our darling children’s vocabularies, teaching them the meaning of words with up to four and five syllables. We must report, however, that Donald’s performance has been inconsistent, as he grasps some concepts easily, while having extreme difficulty with others. Let me offer you some examples of his strengths and challenges.
During our history and government classes, we try to work on our students’ understanding of basic concepts. When we introduced the concept of capitalism, Donald got this concept immediately. In fact, he acted as class assistant for the other words in this category, helping the teacher by defining and offering examples of other terms such as ripoff and extortion. He could not only define conglomerate, but he tells us that he has recently formed one. His understanding of words such as despot, egocentric, manipulator, and womanizer also demonstrates a sophistication that is well beyond his years.
For all of young Donald’s strengths, however, he has truly struggled with other concepts. Altruism has been a particularly difficult for our Donnie-boy. He finds it hard to understand why someone would put others’ interests before his own. We thought we had made a breakthrough on this one when Donald expressed that he might let his best friend Kellyanne go first walking across the street. We realized that this was still a work in progress when Donnie expressed that this way it was more likely that she would be hit by a car than he.
Empathy is another term Donald struggles with, as he firmly believes that people who are suffering must have some sort of defect, and therefore do not deserve to prosper. Similarly, humility is one he cannot quite grasp, though he is making progress. While there is still work to be done on his understanding, he can now use this word in a sentence, as when he wrote: “Faking humility is an excellent strategy for flattering important people until you become more important, at which point you can crush them.”
In a similar vein, young Donald has had a hard time with the concept of democracy. It seems that he believes that being all-powerful is a much more efficient way of running a government—and oh yes, checks and balances is a term that he seems to understand, but actively rejects.
Finally, young Donald is attempting to master Latin, with highly promising results. One of his favorite phrases is quid pro quo. He understands that one perfectly.
In summary, we write to say that all in all, Donnie-boy is making excellent progress in most areas and, as we said, shows signs of leadership. We were so proud of him for being elected Sixth Grade President yesterday. Donald was so full of remorse when he accused his chief opponent of cheating on a recent test, but he said that he felt that it was his civic duty to inform on his opponent. Last, we are truly proud that he received 34 votes in the class election, even though there are only 32 children in the sixth grade.
I see great things for him some day, most likely in sports or entertainment.
Sincerely,
Henrietta Q Worthington, Headmistress
