1
1
Breaking news:
Noting that regime change was absolutely necessary, American forces have invaded Vatican City, captured the Pope, and moved him to a secret location. Commenting on this momentous venture, Donald Trump went on Truth Social to say:
“BAD POPE! Trying to stir up trouble. Only ONE person can be infallible and that’s ME!! Those Catholics, they love me, they voted for me, they support everything I do. No room for woke Catholics. No room for critics. Jesus approves, he told me so himself!!! And anyone who disagrees with me can go to HELL—and most certainly will!!!!
The President went on to praise the might of the United States Armed Forces, saying: “It took us only an hour or two to capture that sucker. Those Swiss Guards, they’re supposed to protect him. But, ya know, once we took a couple of those losers out, the rest either took off running or waved the white flag.”
Recognizing that the Catholic Church needs a leader, the President said that the College of Cardinals couldn’t be trusted—after all, who can trust any college these days–he would choose that person on his own. Flying to Rome, Supreme Leader Trump said that he had considered doing it himself–after all, who else would be better at exercising absolute power–but was too busy at the moment. Then he thought of several people in his cabinet. “I considered JD,” he said, “but he’s a convert and his wife, isn’t she attractive, is a Buddhist or something stupid like that, so I couldn’t pick him. Then I thought of little Marco. He’s a good Catholic, and he would make the kind of Pope I would like, the kind who gets down on his knees and does anything you say. But, ya know, Marco is actually busy making an Iran deal these days, so I couldn’t spare him right now. But then I thought of one guy, a Catholic and a great thinker who I could spare at the moment.”
Stepping out on the balcony of St. Peters Basilica, to a crowd that he would note was the largest ever assembled in the Vatican or anywhere else in the world for that matter, he announced to the devoted crowd, “We have a new Pope! He is a man who comes from a famous Catholic family. He will be the greatest, most innovative religious thinker ever known, and make this religion healthy again. To be known as Donald the First, I give you Robert F. Kennedy Jr.”
