Two Septuagenarians Arrested (or Should have Been) for Public Brawl

Read Time:2 Minute, 1 Second

To paraphrase Rodney Dangerfield, “I went to a fight the other night, and a debate broke out.”

Yes, an all-out brawl took place on the campus of Case Western Reserve last night. Two elderly men, three if you want to count Chris Wallace, were throwing wild punches everywhere, and the police just stood by and let the violence go on for over an hour and a half.

Donald Trump appeared to be mortally wounded, although Chris Christie and the team at Fox News apparently revived him. His first words when coming out of a 12 hour medically induced coma were, “Hey, wasn’t I great last night.” The doctors announced that the patient had fully recovered.

Joe Biden, proving that he could still play defense and even land a haymaker or two, went home exhausted but satisfied that he had stood up to the playground bully.

There wasn’t a whole lot of substance last night. We barely heard a thing about the President’s taxes, nor did we delve too deeply into the environmental crisis–although we did find out that the President thinks that all environmental disasters could be avoided if we would only cart off trees from the California forests the moment that they fall down.

We learned that Mr. Trump is a fan of the Proud Boys, the group whose pride apparently comes from their ability to spew racist rhetoric. Oh, and we also learned that we will not be able to trust the results of November’s vote. Analyzing the logic behind this claim, we would have to assume that Trump believes that Biden will be the winner—because if he were to win, of course, we could trust the results completely.

Falsehoods, misrepresentations, mis-statements. We hear that Mr. Trump, in an effort to open up the economy, is planning to sell franchises to his new corporate effort, Lies ‘R’ Us.

Believe it or not, the truth was spoken last night, actually five times. To be specific, these five truth-telling instances were:

Biden called his opponent “a fool.”
Biden referred to the President as “a liar.”
Biden labeled the Commander in Chief “a clown.”
Biden stated that Mr. Trump is “a racist.”
Biden announced that the MAGA Man was “the worst President America has ever had.”

Thinking back nostalgically to Howard Cosell, he would have applauded Biden for “telling it like it is.”