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Down in the lower level basement of the Pentagon is the one federal unit that does not fear being down-sized. The Department of Dastardly Deeds (DDD) is a semi-official think tank that guides every move of the Trump Administration. Composed of extreme right-wing activists, Christian nationalists, and assorted cruel evil-doers, the DDD secretly likes its initials because it reminds them of another great American organization known by three repeated initials. The task of the KKK (um, DDD) is to take the Heritage Foundation’s Project 2025 and stretch every idea for the replacement of democracy by autocracy to the very limit.
Every proposal that comes from the DDD is guided by four principles:
- It must be America-first
- It must be white-Christian first.
- It must be an expression of authoritarian control.
- It must be something that any fascist with a MAGA hat would be proud to endorse.
The DDD already has numerous successes to its record. The Kennedy Center is now under Trump-nominated right wing control, although the DDD leaders are still stung by the fact that the President backed down on changing its name to the Trump Center. Annexing Greenland, the Panama Canal, and Canada are some of DDD’s favorite ideas, and they are sure that Making America Great will eventually include a successful imperialistic record of achievement. Of course, it was all DDD’s idea to populate the Trump cabinet with unqualified and incompetent drunkards, each of whom met as many of the four DDD criteria as possible: No mind. No agenda. No scruples. No backbone.
Although its workings are highly secret, the crack reporters of Kruscontrol have obtained secret documents with future plans of the DDD.
On the President’s desk for immediate consideration:
- Cease all federal aid to Brown University until it changes its name. (Suggested replacement name: White University.)
- Limit the names of those who can hold federal office. While a full list is still being completed, outlawed first names already on the list include: Barack, Ali, Mohamed, Omar, Rashida, & Kamala.
- Return the Statue of Liberty. Why should we be so attached to some French statue? We will commission a great American artist to sculpt an All-American symbol.
- Return Americans’ freedoms. Undo restrictions of all sorts:
- You can smoke anywhere you want. After all, it’s a free country.
- Seatbelts are uncomfortable. American drivers are safe without being told they have to buckle up.
- All gun legislation, what little of it there is, is hereby null and void.
- Pro sports are making us feel too DEI-ish these days. From now on, all baseball teams will have a strict quota of players from Spanish-speaking and Asian countries. Basketball teams must be made up of more than 50% white, American-born players.
- Energy proposals:
- Ban all electric cars (except Teslas).
- Solar energy is a hoax. After all, if we relied on solar, what would we do for energy on cloudy days?
- Wind energy is useless and ugly. All windmills will be taken down and banned in the US. And we will even put a 50% tariff on all goods from the Netherlands until they take down their windmills.
Final secret memo discovered in the DDD leader’s locked draw: “Thinking that maybe we could consider re-instituting slavery, at least on some sort of limited basis. I know that this would hurt us with the black vote, but the beauty of this is that if we’re successful those folks won’t be able to vote anyway.”
