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I open up my newsfeed today, and there it is: Matt Gaetz has withdrawn his name for Attorney General. It’s amazing what we’ll accept as small wins for democracy: That a man who is accused of a range of offenses involving drugs, bribes, and sex-trafficking finds that he is not likely to be confirmed as the top law enforcement officer of the United States. Does that mean that crazies–think Robert Kennedy Jr–and people with zero qualifications—think Pete Hegseth—will also be forced to withdraw? Even on my most optimistic days, I don’t think so. Remember, this is Trump Country.
So who’s going to be the next nominee for Attorney General? Should it be someone who has had a great deal of experience with the legal system, someone who knows a lot about what goes on inside a courtroom. Think Sean Diddy Combs, think Rod Blagojevich. Should it be someone with actual educational credentials, but in a completely different field, sort of like neurosurgeon Ben Carson leading Housing & Urban Development? Think Dr. Phil, think Rand Paul. Or maybe it should just be a loyalist celebrity? Think Brett Favre, think Joe Rogan. Or, ultimately, maybe it should be someone who will do anything whatsoever that Trump says, someone who is completely unstrung? Think Marjorie Taylor Greene, think Mike Lindell, the My Pillow Guy. Maybe even someone who’s unstrung and also actually studied law? Think Rudy Guiliani.
But I’ve got it—the perfect candidate beyond any doubt. After all, how could anyone argue with these credentials, taken directly from his resume:
Bachelors degree, Summa Cum Laude, Harvard University. Editor of Law Review and Honors graduate, Yale Law School. Clerked for Supreme Court Justices Amy Coney Barrett and Brett Cavanaugh. Olympic gold medalist. Voted world’s sexiest man, 2023.
George Santos.
