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Today was a great and historic day marked by the coronation of Donald the First, High Imperial Ruler of the nation once known as the United States of America. Having initially considered unilaterally declaring himself the election winner and doing away with term limits, the new Monarch decided instead that more sweeping and fundamental changes were needed.
“The Constitution was old, very, very old, and it was long, very very long. That’s why I never read it,” His Highness declared. “But it was time for a change. I mean, holding elections every four years is basically a waste of time and money, especially since I’m the winner no matter what the results are.
“So one choice I had was simply to declare myself President every now and then like my good friend Vladi does. But Vladi has a problem. Once somebody replaces him, there’s no continuity, and that’s bad, very, very bad.
“And then I remembered meeting Queen Elizabeth. She’s not exactly my type, but still I liked her setup. She dies, her son takes over. So I said to myself, “Cool, and then I went to tell Don Jr about my plans. And my kid, he loved it.”
“Prince Donald,” he said, “I kinda liked being Don Jr, but I like Prince even better. But don’t tell Ivanka. She’ll want to be queen and we’ll have none of that.”
Meanwhile King Donald got to down to business almost immediately. After being fitted for his crown (size XXXL), his Excellency began rounding up political prisoners. Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and Adam Schiff were sent to a cell on the very top floor of Trump Towers, where Rapunsel, once a Democratic organizer, had been held for ages.
With the favor of one royal family to another, Hunter Biden was sent to the Tower of London. “That’s where he belongs,” said the Monarch, “and by the way, my tower is taller than their tower.”
Conversely, others received royal titles. Especially pleased was Kevin McCarthy who was made Chancellor of the Exchequer, Nick Fuentes who was made White Knight, and Kanye West who was appointed Duke of Earl.
“I don’t know why I didn’t do this a long time ago,” said the King. “But, you know, I didn’t hate all of that old Constitution. I liked that part about bearing arms, and ooh, I liked that fifth amendment. That’s one I’ll miss. But over time the whole thing just got too long and too complicated.”
Looking nostalgic, The King said, “Too many amendments. I liked it a lot better when there were just the ten, you know, the ones that Moses got.”
