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“So let me explain how things work up here. You see, with so many good people dying every year since I created the Universe, we’ve got lots and lots of souls that St Peter lets through the Gate. With such a large population, you’d think that it would be difficult for me to know any of them very well, but you’ve got to understand, I’m God and I’ve got these extraordinary powers, so I really get to know every single person who makes it into this exclusive zip code.
“Although they all had the credentials to get in, I find that I like some of them better than others. Plato is easy to talk to, but somehow Socrates and I never hit it off. Too many questions. I find it easy to exchange opinions with Martin Luther King, but Martin Luther not so much. Too holier than thou.
“Politicians are a mixed bunch, I’ve found. Abe Lincoln is down to Earth, even up here. Winston Churchill’s okay, except for those damned cigars. Ooops, I have to remember not to curse. Sets a bad example.
“But I’ve got a really soft spot in my heart for a few of those American politicians whom I’ve met recently. John McCain was hard to know at first, but he’s got a heart of gold. Elijah Cummings was man I admired even when he was down on Earth. I always wished him good health, but I wasn’t sad to have him join me here. And just this year I’ve gotten to know John Dingell, that congressman from Michigan. He’s not one of the most famous or accomplished folks up here, but such a good soul, he’s become one of my favorites. In fact, the four of us, McCain, Cummings, Dingell and I spend what seems like an infinite amount of time together. We’re become addicted to watching CNN. Oh, and I can’t wait to meet Anderson Cooper.
“The other night was a hard one for me. I try to take a hands-off approach as much as I can. I try not to pass judgement on people who anger and frustrate me. But, you know, I’m not perfect. Well, I am, but sometimes it’s hard to be. I was following the impeachment vote with my three dear political friends, and all of us were getting a small sense of satisfaction at seeing this Trump fellow get his comeuppance.
“Then they reported that at a political rally, Trump said he thought John was looking up at the proceedings. The man’s right here at my side, one of the purest people we’ve welcomed up here in centuries, and then this nasty mortal, one of the people who must have snuck past our quality control process when he was born, makes this joke about where John’s soul is. I just lost it. Heavens, that man tries my patience.
“I haven’t used the old thunder bolt in a while, but I had just found it and was taking aim. Ah, but then my son calmed me down. JC is great at that. ‘Turn the other cheek,’ he always says. Still, I tell you, it’s not easy sometimes, even for me. I’ve dealt with people more evil in my time, but I’ve almost never dealt with one as sleazy and mean.
“So, I tell you what I’m gonna do. He can live as long as he likes. But insulting John, while it seems like a little thing compared to separating mothers and children, was the straw that broke the camel’s back. This man is going to think that Job had it easy.
“Believe it or not, I’ve got some influence with several Republican senators. You thought that the impeachment vote was a slam dunk, didn’t you. But if I can make the Red Sea part, then I can arrange for Susan Collins to find her conscience and for Mitt Romney to grow a backbone and even for Lindsey Graham to discover he has a brain. They’ll all turn against him once they realize they don’t have to fear him, and the White House and Melania and the Towers will all become distant memories. Then the tax evasion convictions will follow, and so on.
“And I wonder how the former President will feel when Donald Jr throws him under the bus to save his own skin. Like father, like son, there’s a guy who found it easy to make a deal with the Devil. But I’ve still got a soft spot in my heart. I’ll let the former president share a cell with his old buddy Paul Manafort, maybe even Rudy too, and they can watch Fox News all day and reminisce.
“It’s all there in the Old Testament. I do have a temper. And I do know how to even things out. After many years as cellmates, Donald and Paul and Rudy will pass on and spend a very long time in eternity.
“Looking up.”
