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The results of President Trump’s annual physical are in, and Teflon Don seems to be in overall good health. Below is the report of Dr. Nathan Fahrquhar, the President’s personal physician. He notes that the patient functions well daily, even though many of the physical tests and indicators are well out of line with traditional guidelines. Some random findings:
- Cholesterol: Elevated. The president is encouraged to limit his consumption of McDonald’s burgers and fries to 6 days a week.
- Lungs: Pulmonary function is good. Volume, capacity, and flow are all strong, consistent with being a total blow-hard.
- Ego: Wildly oversized. Reduction surgery recommended, but patient says that he is absolutely perfect as is.
Going beyond vital signs to key medical indicators, Dr. Fahrquhar has attempted to determine the patient’s behavioral symptoms and patterns in reference to various physiological tests that the President has taken. In particular, the patient has generated a volume of executive orders that all seem part of a single syndrome. These include cutting off all US aid throughout the world to people who are starving and suffering, eliminating programs for affordable housing and slashing tuition assistance, and reducing or eliminating all programs aimed at helping US citizens in poverty. When questioned about the physiological concomitants of these actions, the Dr stated that at first that these were hard to fathom, but that one unique characteristic of the president’s cardiac tests seem to provide a simple account of his actions:
Although highly unusual, he noted, the patient is able to survive quite well although he has no heart.
Plunging farther into the President’s other behavioral syndromes, Dr. Fahrquhar said he was also challenged to explain another pattern of the patient. This one is characterized by the rejection of all scientific evidence, the denial of the consequences of climate change, the complete abandonment of education at both the primary and collegiate levels, the notion that tariffs will bring down prices, and the idea that Gaza can be turned into a resort town.
Just as he has come to marvel at the president’s ability to function although heart-less, Dr Fahrquhar believes he now has an explanation for the latter phenomenon based on the results of the President’s neurological tests:
No brain.
