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Official Notice from the White House: Upon the President’s untimely death in this Year of Our Lord 2047, the United Staes officially declares a national holiday, June 6, to be known in perpetuity as New Independence Day. This day has been designated to commemorate the birthday of the 48th President of the United States, and the universally acknowledged savior of American democracy, Usha Vance.
On this day, schoolchildren throughout the nation will learn of the courage and strength of this brave woman who stepped out of the shadows in a time of crisis and made this nation whole again.
As historians have learned, the story begins at the inaugural party for the second term of Donald Trump. Never known to be able to keep his hands off an attractive woman, Mr. Trump came up from behind Ms. Vance as she was leaving the ladies room and grabbed her by the butt. Irately relating this incident later that night, her husband JD insisted that she must have imagined this. “And anyway, darling,” she remembered him saying, “it’s an honor to be groped by the President. He must think you’re hot.”
The second lady seethed, but stood by her husband’s side as he and his boss tore apart one institution after another, insulting the central values taught to her by her parents in India. First he cut off humanitarian aid around the world, then he went after the universities, and then after funding for scientific research. “I come from a long line of Hindu scholars, scientists, and university professors, so it hurt me deeply to watch this happen. Still, I kept my mouth shut,” the woman once known as Usha Chilukuri told her ancient but still productive biographer Doris Kearns Goodwin.
“As much as I knew all this was wrong, and as much as it pained me to see my husband stand by the side of that monster, when he went after the Kennedy Center, it was just one step too far. I was on the board of the Cincinnati Orchestra, I was a trustee of the Washington National Opera, but when JD told me that the President was going to dump the name Kennedy Center, rename it the Trump Center, and use it for annual concerts featuring Loretta Lynn and military music, I was near the breaking point.
“Then one day JD got up and told the world that the court rulings against Trump’s various unconstitutional acts meant that the judiciary was getting in the way of the President carrying out his duties and that judges had to be put in their place. I knew immediately that he had either completely lost his mind or sold his soul to the devil—most likely, both.
“That night I told JD that I could no longer support these positions by my silence, and wanted a divorce. That hillbilly called me every foul name in the book, got on the phone to Donald, and a few minutes later the President was in the room threatening me with that cheap smile of his: ‘You know, if you want to keep custody of those cute little kids of yours, I think it would be a very good idea to keep your mouth shut.’
“The next day after I packed off Ewan, Vivek, and Mirabel to my parents in India, I checked into a hotel downtown, and appeared on every media outlet I could find. I revealed everything I had overheard and witnessed, and I let the public know all the secrets and lies I had heard. I informed the public honestly about all the things I had came to know firsthand, all the terrible things that JD and his boss were plotting.
“And then the protests began in earnest. I didn’t realize the effect I would have, but almost immediately people descended on DC by the thousands and thousands—and this time the Capitol Police stepped aside and let them into those buildings, kind of like Moses and the Red Sea. Trump and his cabinet members were escorted to safety, and none of the politicians got hurt in spite of the chaos—well, except for Pete Hegseth who was inebriated, fell down, and ended up with multiple broken bones as the masses trampled over the unknown drunk at the bottom of the stairs. Riots spread throughout the country, and the violence only subsided once Congress finally had success in impeaching the nasty perpetrator of all this—I guess three’s a charm.
“So I agreed—reluctantly—to run for president after Trump was gone. But it was a sad time. My kids missed their daddy, although they were allowed to visit him in Guantanamo on their birthdays. Trump died a pauper in the crumbling walls of Mar A Lago, and I even talk to Melania now and then. She admits that she still has some feelings for her late husband, even though, as she has told me, “He be bad man.”
Speaking to the nation from the White House, the successor to Usha Vance, the aging 49th President of the United States, told the populace, “So on this day we honor this valiant and strong woman, and in addition we also offer thanks to all those brave patriots who came before her to set the country on the right path, including, of course, my late husband Barack.”
Inspired, Ed.