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An emergency meeting of Republican election strategists was convened recently. This pack of well-paid masters of spin was called in and told to go into panic mode, as for once the President’s favorability ratings—and his prospects for re-election—matched his behavior, both sinking to new lows.
Without a great deal of debate, these masters of manipulation came to a straightforward conclusion as to the source of the problem. Moderates, and many of the Donald’s heretofore supporters, were ready to abandon him based on the simple fact that he seemed incapable of expressing compassion toward other human beings and had absolutely no sense of empathy. Through all of his pubic appearances, he has appeared to care so much more for the airline industry’s profit line and for posing with Bible in hand than the ever-growing suffering and continuing death rate from COVID-19, or the image of George Floyd gasping for air as his captor pressed his knee on his neck till he could no longer breathe.
Recognizing that this problem needed the expertise of a true master, they called in Frank Luntz. Luntz, who calls himself a “communications consultant,” is a master of messaging. Working for conservative causes all his life, Luntz is the emperor of finding words and phrases that turn public opinion around. He is credited with painting such masterpieces as calling “health care reform” a “government takeover,” with describing “oil drilling” as merely “energy exploration,” and for distracting us from worrying about “global warming” by easing the problem down to “climate change.” Only Luntz could have endorsed the term “Orwellian” as a positive means of expression by those in power.
Serving as Trump’s Henry Higgins, Luntz has been hard at work making a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.
“Now, Mr. President, these lessons will be simple. All you have to do is to repeat after me: ‘The pain in Maine is easy to explain.’”
“Oh, I see: ‘The porn in Dearborn is mostly in the morn.’”
“Well, that’s close Mr. President. Good try, but let’s see if we can take it a word or two at a time. ‘The pain in Maine…”
“Wait, wait ,wait. There’s no pain in Maine. Oh, the governor’s some weird radical Democrat, but other than that, I don’t think there’s any pain up there at all.”
“But Mr. President, you see, it doesn’t matter whether you really believe it or not. It’s like acting, you have to try to make others believe you do even if you couldn’t give a damn.”
“Ah, I get it. ‘There’s strain in Maine, and all I want to do is gain.’”
“You’re getting much closer, sir. Now let’s try again…”
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Memo from Frank Luntz to the campaign managers: Internally and externally, let’s make sure we avoid using “idiot,” “narcissist,” or “indifferent” to refer to the boss. I prefer we describe him as a man who “demonstrates great patriotic concern,” or a leader whose feelings are “subdued but strong.” I’m not old enough to have worked for Barnum, but I’m pretty certain that there are enough suckers out there that we’ll do just fine.”
