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The other day, Donald J. Trump, the stable genius who lives in the White House, was reminded of a boast that he had made back in January of 2016. “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters,” blustered the man with the tan.
Armed with chutzpah that knows no bounds and emboldened by the Senate’s impeachment vote, the President determined that he would establish for once and for all that the judicial system would lie down at his feet just as the legislative system had.
So on February 9, 2020, armed with a Colt semi-automatic, The President stepped out of his Trump Tower apartment on 57th Street and Fifth and shot the first person he saw, who turned out to be Syrian native Mohammed Al-Abu while he was simply strolling past. Mr Abu was pronounced dead on arrival at Montefiore Hospital an hour later.
Lawyers for the President actually had the nerve to assert that a sitting President, even a murderous one, could not be prosecuted for any crime while in office. And based on what has come to be known as the Dershowitz Principle, they further asserted that we must assume that the President felt that his act was in the national interest, and if that’s what President believes, then whatever he did must be legal.
Mr. Trump, always known for being as honest as he is modest, produced the smoking gun at a press conference while declaring his total innocence. Smirking as he playfully aimed the pistol at a CNN reporter, he declared, “It was a perfect shot.”
The sensational case moved through the courts at a breakneck pace, landing on the docket of the Supreme Court with some unusual repercussions and reactions. Upon reading the President’s brief, Justice Ruth Bader Ginzburg laughed so hard that she broke two ribs. She was released from the hospital after a four day stay. Even Justice Brett Kavanaugh, Trump’s hand-picked appointee was heard to say, “Well, there are limits even for me. The day I’d cede that much power to a President is the day I’ll turn down a cold beer.”
As soon as a trial date was set, the legal wrangling began. First, the White House lawyers argued for a change of venue, insisting that their client could not get a fair trial in New York City because it was awash with people from shit-hole countries and never-Trumpers. “We don’t really care where the trial takes place,” they said, “as long as it’s a nice place with white faces. Anywhere at random is okay, you know, places like Oklahoma or Georgia.”
Jury selection was no less contentious. Insisting that he be tried by a jury of his peers, the Trump lawyers attempted to rule out all minorities and anyone with a net worth of less than 50 million. Trump himself proposed that a person of his stature could be tried only by a hand-picked jury, such as other world leaders. “Putin would be fine, also Erdogan. These are men who would be ideal judges of morality and character. Even Zelensky would be okay, as long he understood that the next round of arms funding would be contingent on a unanimous vote of Not Guilty.”
The day after the presiding judge put a gag order on all parties, Donald Trump held a rally in Mobile, Alabama, to put his case before the American public. It was attended by several hundred people (or several hundred thousand, according to you-know-who), all wearing “Free the Donald” t-shirts.
“That’s okay,” he told his adoring minions. “I did nothing wrong. That guy I shot was likely one of those terrorists, or maybe a drug dealer, probably both. Like all of his kind, he was certainly on his way to rape and pillage, and although he gave me no direct provocation, I did this in the name of national security and to protect women and children in this fair city. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. It was a perfect shot, right in the middle of his back.”
“But Donald,” yelled a single voice from the crowd, identified as Bob Miller of Tuscaloosa, “it’s illegal to shoot someone in the back if he’s done nothing wrong.” Mr. Miller was released from the hospital a week later, and is likely to be able to walk again after a year or two of physical therapy.
Further making the case for his innocence, the President stated, “I was provoked by his mere presence. We can’t have any more of his kind pouring over the border between Syria and the US. I was going to build a wall between the US and Syria, and Syria was even going to pay for it, but those low-life Democrats wouldn’t let me keep the populace safe. So I shot him.
“By the way, it wasn’t my gun, so if you really need to throw someone under the bus, it was Rudy’s.”
After months of heated testimony (including witnesses) and even more heated jury debate, we now have a verdict: Not guilty–by reason of insanity.
Concerning the consequences of this decision, the most obvious question is what this means. Can we continue to allow an insane man to run amok as he assaults the principles upon which this nation was built and attempts to destroy this country?
Apparently, yes.
