The Instructions Zelenskyy Was Supposed to Get on How to Act with Trump

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“But I thought you were going to give President Zelenskyy the protocol instructions for his Trump meeting.”

“No comrade, I thought you were going to give him the instructions so he would know exactly how to act. Oh God, what have we done by not letting him know exactly how to behave with that madman??”

“Shall we just throw the instructions away? No, let’s keep them. Maybe we can use them if Zelenskyy ever visits the Pope or the King of England. We’ll only have to modify them a little.”

Stuffed in a cabinet drawer for safe keeping, here are the notes that were supposed to instruct the leader of Ukraine, that were supposed to inform Zelenskyy’s behavior in the form of 8 DO’s and DON’T’s:

DO realize that this is not a meeting between equals. Trump will think of it more like a meeting between a pig farmer and a King.
DO NOT even think of this as a meeting. It is pure theatre, exclusively for the cameras and television ratings to capture the degradation of a two-bit dictator of a two-bit country at the hands of a princely savior.
DO dress up. If you don’t have a suit, buy one, for heaven’s sake. That sweater of yours won’t make it for JD Vance, that noted connoisseur of men’s clothing.
DO express thanks, after which you should express thanks, after which you should express gratitude. Remember all that Trump is doing for you. After all, he is requesting only some of the profits from your country’s mineral rights, not all. Remember that the arms he sent you were sort of a short-term loan, and you have to say a big, loud, “Thank you ever so much” while lining his pockets.
DO NOT disagree—with anything. Nothing the man says is ever wrong. Nothing he thinks is ever short-sighted or biased or ridiculous or just plain stupid. In fact, the more he blathers on, the more you should engage in pronounced head nodding, so the world can see who is in charge and that you are in full agreement with him, no matter how outrageous or degrading.
DO NOT express your own opinions. If Trump were interested… well, he isn’t.
DO NOT try to tell your side of the story. There is only side of the story for this man, the side told to him by Putin. Remember this man’s motto: My mind is already made up. Don’t try to confuse me with the facts.
DO NOT ask for assurances. Not for peace. Not for territory. Not from Putin. Not for the future. If you are going to ask for anything, ask for forgiveness—even if you know that this makes no sense at all.

“My English to Ukrainian isn’t perfect, so we may have to ask for a translator’s help for the instructions if there is ever another meeting between Zelenskyy and Trump. Someone may have to help me translate the document for our President to make sure that this time we get it to him and that we get it right in Ukrainian. I’m trying to think, my friend, what are the words in our language for “beg” and “grovel?”