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Reasoning that it made no sense to go small with ridiculous and outrageous changes, Donald Trump announced today that the Gulf of America would now separate two countries, the United States of America and America South, the nation formerly known as Mexico. In addition, he declared that the country formerly known as Canada would now be referred to as America North. Regarding our neighbor to the north, he declared that English would be the only language spoken, and that it would be a felony to speak French in the cities formerly known as Quebec and Montreal, now to be called Trumpia and Trumpatica.
To illustrate these wonderful changes to the world order, the President rolled out his new line of maps and globes, made in China but sold in America, with the new North American map available online for a mere $89.95. Adding to the line of products, he said that by 2026 it would be possible to purchase the new Trump-Globe for only $149.99. Asked why the public would have to wait so long for the new Globe, Mr Trump said that he wasn’t yet finished re-branding several other cities and nations throughout the world.
In another momentous announcement, The Marketer-in-Chief announced that ‘e plurubus unum’ would be another casualty of the new regime. “We’re going to get it off of every new coin and passport,” said the President. “And for sure it’s gonna be gone from our Great Seal. They tell me it means ‘out of many, one,’ but I can’t figure out what the hell that means. Still, even though I know it’s kind of dumb to have to say that kind of stuff in Latin, I think I’m going to keep it that way.”
At first I was leaning toward “Et iterum Americae magna.” For those of you who aren’t scholars of ancient languages like I am, it’s Latin for the greatest motto ever uttered: Make America Great Again. But, you know, in Latin it’s not so catchy and it just doesn’t have that wonderful ring that it does in English.
So instead I’m leaning toward toward something that’s not only very very teriffic, but that gets to the heart of the US government as I understand it. It’s short and catchy and captures what we’re about. It describes the new Trump-American way of relating to businessmen, senators, and congressmen here in America, and internationally it describes the foundation of how we deal with Saudi Arabia, Ukraine, and countries all over the world.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new America motto: Quid Pro Quo.
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