The KrusControl Trump Quiz

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There are all sorts of questions that we all want Donald Trump to answer directly. But we know, however, that he is neither interested nor capable of providing a straight answer to a direct question, no less stringing 3 words together in a coherent fashion. So we must resort to using our imaginations for what a real Trump press conference would be like. I’ll supply the question. You choose the answer you think he’d probably provide—or write in your own.

Mr. Trump, are you for or against abortion?
You gotta be kidding. I’m the father of IVF.
I’ve always recommended them for the women I knocked up.
I have no idea. Tell me what you want to hear, and that’s my position.
Your answer______________
Mr. Trump, it’s never been clear why you picked JD Vance as your running mate. Can you explain?
Simple. Don Jr said JD was cool, and he wanted to hang out with him in the White House.
Big mistake. I should have picked someone more reasonable like Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Forget Arnold Palmer. Have you ever seen that guy in the shower—wow.
Your answer__________
Mr. Trump, how would you end the war in the Middle East?
Me and Bibi, we’ll figure something out. Bibi loves me and he’ll do anything I tell him.
The war over there is a pity, but any Jew or Arab who doesn’t vote or me must be crazy.
Good question. Me and my advisors will eventually come up with a concept of a plan.
Your answer_______
Mr. Trump, how often do you and Melania have relations?
By all means, we have good relations.
She wants me three times a day, but sometimes I’m too busy.
I think the last time was about 1983.
Your answer___________
Mr. Trump, we hear you want to jail Adam Schiff. Can you tell me exactly which laws he has broken?
It’s the most basic law there is: You don’t mess with me. Guilty, next case.
Law, shmaw. I hate the bastard so toss him in the clink and throw away the key.
He’s guilty of being too short.
Your answer_______
Mr. Trump, without exception each judicial case of 2020 voter fraud has been rejected by or thrown out by every court, even the Supreme Court. What does that say about the strength of your argument?
It just says how bad our judicial system is.
No problem: Next time we’ll make bigger threats and offer larger payoffs. It’s always worked in the past.
Things like that won’t happen as soon as I can make a few more judicial appointments.
Your answer_______
Mr. Trump, there seems to be friction between you and the members of NATO. Why is that?
They don’t want to pay me my protection money, so screw them.
They all talk funny and won’t let me stand in the middle for those group pictures.
NATO?
Your answer____________
Mr. Trump, what’s your stand on Ukraine?
I’ll gladly give Putin Kiev as long as he promises me he’ll never go into Poland.
I’ll give Putin Zelenskyy as long as he promises me he won’t go into Georgia after he annexes Poland.
Never liked that Zylenskyy. I hear he’s a Jew.
Your answer_____________