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Now, sir, would you please place your hand on the bible and—
Hey, is that one of my cool new bibles? I wouldn’t want to swear on some crappy hotel bible. Mine are a bargain, only $59.99.
Sir, this is one of our standard bibles. So please answer, “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”
Well, you can always trust me. My version of the truth is the real truth , but, ya know, those Democrats—
Sir, please, all we need is a simple answer, sort of like you’d say in a wedding: I do.
Ah, sounds like we’re getting married. You don’t much look like Melania, but I guess my answer is “I do.”
**********
Attorney Alvin Bragg approaches the witness stand, leans forward, and asks: Sir, are you acquainted with Stormy Daniels?
Nope. Never heard of her.
Well, perhaps you know her by her given name, Stephanie Clifford?
C’mon, I meet so many attractive ladies. You don’t expect me to remember all their names, do you?
Well, I thought you might remember her name because you had sex with her and then were involved in a complex plot to kill her story in the Enquirer.
Me? Sex? Only with Melania, and if you want the truth, not so often with her, either.
How about Karen McDougal? She says that you had an affair with her that lasted 9 months.
She must be mistaking me for someone else. Can’t trust the memory of any of those ditzy broads.
How about Michael Cohen?
Oh, yea, I remember that lying bastard. But I’ve only met him once or twice. He hates me. Don’t believe a word he says. If he made any payoffs, they certainly weren’t for me.
And how about that Access Hollywood tape, you know, the one where you said you could—
Wasn’t me. It was that guy on SNL. He does a great imitation, much better than that creep Alec Baldwin. He didn’t sound like me at all.
So let me see if I can summarize, says Mr Bragg to Mr Trump. No on Stormy Daniels, no on Karen McDougal, no on “grab em by the…” and a resounding no on payoffs. Did I get that straight?
You got it, my man. All truth, no fake news.
******************
Having heard the gist of the defendant’s testimony, Judge Juan Merchan looks down on Trump in the witness stand, and addresses him directly.
Sir, having heard your testimony so far, I think It is incumbent on me to ask whether you know the meaning of the word perjury.
Trump, insulted, faces down the judge, and tells him: Of course I know what it means—whaddaya think I am, a dummy?
Merchan takes a long deep breath, smiles sheepishly, and responds simply to the witness: Yes.
When will we wake up from the bad dream?.